Illnesses That People Claim To Have When They Really Don't

     When I'm sick or bored I spend my free time coming up with lists in my head. Not usually of anything important, just things that I believe deserve to be in some sort of order that I decide makes sense. Last summer I caught a bad cold and out of boredom created a new list that I like to call "The Top 5 Illnesses, Mental Disorders, and Problems That People Claim to Have When They Really Don't."


5. Narcolepsy
    Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain's inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles normally. But to the Narcoleptic wanna-be, it means that they are a little bit tired.


4. A.D.D.
     Attention Deficit Disorder is a type of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder characterized primarily by inattentive concentration or a deficit of sustained attention, such as procrastination, hesitation, and forgetfulness. But to the A.D.Deceiver, it is merely a case of a short attention span.

3. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
     A surprising addition to the list, but heard complained about just as often, is Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. To the Carpal Tunnel Sydro-misinformed, (these puns are getting bad) this condition is not a numbness, tingling, weakness, or a damaging of muscles to the hand and fingers caused by excessive pressure on the median nerve, but simply a word to describe a hand cramp from texting six pages of text to your best friend without a break.


2. Anything-oholic
     When in reality, alcoholism is a serious problem that hurts people physically and emotionally, there are many over-exaggerate-oholics who like to describe something they love as an addiction like shopping or chocolate.


1. O.C.D.
     Think back to one day ago, the odds are, in the last 24 hours, you've heard someone claim to be O.C.D. 5 times. That's not true... But it seems like it! The truth is, the Obsessive Compulsive Di-liars forget what O.C.D. stands for and don't realize that you can have the O, but without the C you don't have the D. What I mean is that being a neat freak doesn't make you O.C.D. it makes you a neat freak, being a germaphobe doesn't make you O.C.D. it makes you a germaphobe. What classifies someone as O.C.D. is their unwanted and repeated obsessions that make them driven to have compulsions.


And there we have it, the Top Five Illnesses and disorders... that... people... lie about... Okay I made that name up on the spot earlier. The point is, that is my list. I am not an expert in these problems, I'm merely a guy who noticed that other people think they are.


(This list is dedicated to my sister, Lindsay, who told me this was a dumb list when I first showed her. I'm still not convinced it's not.)