How to be Self-Helped-ed

Dollars
     One of the greatest feelings in life is that moment when you casually put your hands into your pockets and to your surprise there is money in there, even better when that money is a paper bill. Most people would jump for joy and then instantly find a space for it in their wallet, but I don't do this and neither should you. Instead what I do is take that dollar and put it right back into my pocket. Why? Because I put my hands in my pockets several times a day, which means several times a day I will also get the powerful feeling of finding a dollar in my pocket. I once did this with the same dollar for over 2 weeks and it made me happy every time I found it.

Knuckle Head
     As humans we all feel the need to vent when we are angry. But humans also have the ability to know that talking behind someones back doesn't always feel like the right thing to do. So if you find yourself venting and want to wean yourself off of it, try referring to the person only as a knucklehead. I've tried this and I ended up taking the conversation way less seriously making me way less mad at that person.

Bananas
     I have this saying: Never mix up hate and a bad experience. Let me explain, I used to hate bananas until I realized that I had only had one banana in my life. And if the odds of getting a lousy banana are 1 in anything then I can never be sure that I hate bananas. So any time I hate something, I always make a point to try it every few years just to make sure nothing has changed. Also I like bananas now.

Car Doodles
     Some people are great artists and some people can barely draw a stick figure. I'm not going to pretend I'm either of those. I'm right in the middle where if I spend a good amount of time on something I can draw something just below respectable. However, I found out by accident that all I need to do is draw in a moving car, because it hinders you, but not as much as people think it does. Then when you show people your drawings they'll think it's okay until you tell them you drew it in the car. After that your doodles will be works of art.


I hope these tips help you lead a happier life. If you enjoyed reading them or just want to tell me something that has nothing to do with anything, hit me up on twitter @freewayparade or at facebook.com/freewayparade .

Phrases That Sound The Same But Are Opposite In Meaning

     English can be a tricky language. Like all languages, it's hard to learn the basics, but becoming fluent can seem like a never ending battle. 

     I've been a native speaker my whole life, but I'm still finding myself misunderstanding others from time to time. It's true that a lot of our words sound similar, but some of these words have meanings that are almost as different as can be. Here's a list of a few words that you should watch out for.

*Warning: Freeway Parade is not responsible for anyone who reads these out loud under their breath to test them out resulting in freaking out bystanders who think you just talk to nobody.

1. Come in/Coming

     When someone knocks on your door you have two response options: "Come in" and "Coming". The former means "open the door" and the latter means "wait for me to open the door".

2. That's Too Bad/ That's Stupid

     I hear this one all the time. Someone's telling a story about something that bothers them and you comfort them saying "that's too bad" which tells them you care about their story. Unfortunately it sounds like "that's stupid" which can be taken as "that story is dumb and I don't care about it."

3. Sorry/That's Alright

     This happens to me way more than you would think. I'm walking in a crowded area and bump into someone. Of course I quickly say "sorry," but in a crowded (often noisy) room, "sorry" can sound like "that's alright," which is usually casually said like " 's-alright." This is pretty much the difference between "that was my bad" and "that was your bad." 

4. I'm Alright/MRI

     I once was playing around at a park when one of my friends fell and when I asked if he was ok he said "I'm alright." For a split second I heard "MRI." If you mixed these words up like I did, chances are, you wouldn't have time to scan their internal organs before they corrected you, but it's still very different from saying you're alright and that's all I'm looking for.

5. Out Of Tune/Autotuned

     For those of you unfamiliar, autotune is a device or software that tunes a persons vocals automatically. This means that the voice will sound in tune even if it wasn't recorded in tune to begin with. This makes the word "Autotune" pretty much the opposite of "out of tune" yet they sound extremely similar even in good listening conditions.

6. #% Off / #% Of

     I recently saw a sign in a store window that said, "30% off price on tag" Luckily I read it twice because I first read it as "30% OF price on tag." As similar as these sentences sound they are very different. Pretend you are looking to buy something that was 10 dollars. 30% OFF would make it down to 7 dollars, but 30% OF would be 3 dollars. So next time you are looking at sales, remember to count the F's.

Do you agree with this list? Can you think of any similar sounding opposites? Leave a comment below or on Twitter @freewayparade. And like us on Facebook at Facebook.com/freewayparade

How to Know You Might Be a Sloth

     Recently I was looking up sloth facts, as we all do at some time each day, and as I found myself internally saying "me too" to almost every fact I came across, I came to a strange realization; I am a sloth. At first I resisted and tried to tell myself I was a cooler animal like a monkey, penguin, or a bear, but I eventually embraced my inner sloth. Now I'm here to say that if you're a sloth, it's okay, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But if you're not quite sure what it takes to be a sloth, read this list of how I'm like a sloth and see just how many times you say, "Me too."

You Might Be a Sloth if You...

...Move Slowly
     Sloths only move about a foot per minute when not in danger. I prefer 0 feet per minute when I can.
...Like Climbing
     Sloths are arboreal so they live in trees. I don't, but I enjoy climbing trees for fun.
...Are Somewhat of a Loner
     Sloths are solitary creatures who only gather to mate. I suppose this is true of many introverts like myself.
...Have a Reputation For Being Super Lazy, But You're Really Just Kind Of Lazy
     Sloths are known for sleeping 15-20 hours a day, but really only sleep for about 10 hours a day. And that's only me on Saturdays... and a few week days...
...Like To Poop in The Same Place
     Sloths do this for mating and tree fertilization. Most of us just like the comfort of our home toilet.
...Don't Shower That Much
     Sloths let algae grow on them for camouflage against predators. When I do that it's usually by accident.
...Stay Up Late
     Sloths are nocturnal. Forget about night owls, I'm a night sloth.
...Forget to Trim Fingernails
     Sloths have claws up to 4 inches long. In my defense, finger nail clippers are hard to keep track of.
...Have a Firm Handshake
     Sloths have a great grip and can remain clenching a tree even after they die... Well I can grip things too.

     These are all the reasons I'm like a sloth. Along with the fact that my name (Seth) shares most of the letters of the word sloth, I can't help but wonder if I really am a sloth. If you answered "Me too," to several of those examples then you might be a sloth too! If so, let me know and tell me of any other reasons why you think that. Please leave a comment below or contact me here:  Facebook.com/freewayparade Twitter: @freewayparade

The Top 1 Way You Can Tell That Your Numbered List Blogs Are Too Short

1. You don't have enough content.








Do you agree with this list? Comment bellow or follow me on twitter @freewayparade or at facebook.com/freewayparade

5 Chandler Jokes That Didn't Quite Land

     I watch a lot of Friends and would consider it to be one of the greatest shows of all time, and a lot of people who also enjoy it would agree that without Chandler, the show just wouldn't be as good. However, Chandler made so many jokes throughout the 10 years that the show lasted that he was bound to have a few dud's. Here is my list of the 5 that didn't quite land.


1) "Get up"

     Chandler goes to the bathroom and comes back to find Joey sitting in his chair. After a few attempts to get Joey to move, Chandler resorts to telling Joey about the song he wrote called "Get up." This joke came out of no where, was set up by Chandler himself, and really didn't have a punch line.


2) "Hey, Kicky"

     Joey and Chandler are sleeping together on the couch when Joey starts kicking his legs trying to get comfortable. Chandler looks at Joey and says "Hey, Kicky!" I don't need to explain why this isn't that funny because Chandler basically just saw what Joey was doing and put a Y at the end of it.


3) "MY SHOE"

     Joey stumbles upon keys to someones Porsche and takes Monica's suggestion to put them in the lost and found where he finds his shoe. He then decides to leave a note on the Porsche letting him know. Chandler, making fun of the thought of anyone forgetting a shoe at a coffee shop, says to Joey, "When he comes back for his keys I'll be sure to give him your shoe."
Joey replies "Great thanks." because he didn't catch on to the joke, but can you blame him? Why would Chandler give a stranger a shoe? It just makes no sense.


4) "I'm in a tree"

     Joey finds out that Chandler got drunk and fooled around with his sister and instead of getting mad, Joey loves the idea. Joey gives him a hug and says, "You and my sister sittin' in a tree." to which Chandler replies, "Yep, I'm in a tree."
     It's possible that this one is deeper than it appears. Perhaps he was making some sort of subtle joke about hanging himself, but if that's true then it deserves to be on this list for being too subtle.


5) "Westminster Crabby

     At the Westminster Abbey.
     Joey- What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
     Chandler- I think it's great. You know they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
     Joey- Really? To what?
     Chandler- To "put the camera away."

     This joke really has nothing to it. He set himself up for a joke that didn't make any sense, and if Joey wouldn't have come back with "Man, you are Westminster crabby." then the scene probably just should have been scrapped.

     Like I said, I love Chandler. And with all the jokes he makes, five dud's really isn't that bad. In fact, he probably has a better good/bad joke ratio than most of us. And there's always a chance that some of these jokes were great in their day, but just don't translate now a days.

Bonus:

    A few weeks after I wrote this I was reminded of one of the bad Chandler jokes that I had had written down, but forgot about until now.

     Chandler obviously wants to talk about Ross and Rachel, but can't find a window, so he attempts to create one with this train-wreck of a joke when Ross arrives with a pizza.

     Did I miss any bad Chandler jokes? Do you agree with the list? Do you like chimichangas? Comment bellow, on my facebook page at Facebook.com/freewayparade or tweet me @freewayparade.

The Best and Worst American Ninja Warrior Moments of 2014

     Ninja warrior has been one of my favorite shows since before it even came to America, so I wanted to do a list of my favorite moments from this season.

Kacy Catanzaro:

     I'm choosing to start the list with Catanzaro's run because quite frankly, everyone has heard of  this one already. I'm not going to give her credit for being the first woman to scale the warped wall, because if the show would have come to her town last, she would have been the third to do it, behind Michelle Warnky and Meagan Martin. I'm more impressed by her size. Being small did help her on the arm-based obstacles, but at 5'0", climbing that wall is a huge feat and is worth mentioning. And the fact that she made it to mount midoriama really raised the standards for future female competitors.

     Watch her run in the finals here:

Or Click Here

Flip Rodriguez:

     Flip Rodriguez and Drew Dreschel have had a friendly rivalry for years. In season 4 Flip completed the qualifying and final rounds with the fastest times and Dreschel got second on both. The next year Dreschel got the best times and Flip got second.

     This along with a disappointing fall last year, meant it was Flips year to prove something. In a disappointing turn of events, Flip miscalculated how high he was above the water and that was the end of his ANW year.

     Watch his run here:

                                        

Or Click Here

Kevin Bull:

     Cannonball Alley was a new obstacle with an elimination rate of 100%, taking out 14 competitors before him. It was proving to be the most difficult obstacle this competition had ever seen.

     Just when it seemed that this course was unbeatable, Kevin Bull, a walk on from this year, used his brains instead if just strength, using his legs on a primarily arm-based obstacle.

     Watch his incredible and innovative run here:

Or Click Here

Joe Moravsky:

     Also known as the Weatherman, Joe Moravsky, on only his second year, has become one of the favorites of American Ninja Warrior. If he wasn't in your favorites before, wait until you see this run, where Moravsky breaks the rumbling dice, makes an incredible early dismount, and still dominates the course by beating the fastest time by over 40 seconds.

     Watch his run here:

Or Click Here

Drew Dreschel:

     After proving himself faster than his rival Flip Rodriguez for two years in a row, veteran Drew Dreschel was beginning to become more and more confident. Drew went so far as to call that his run would be between 1 min 30 sec and 1 min 45 sec, with the fastest time before him being 4 min 15 sec.

     With his eye on the prize, Dreschel couldn't quite focus on the course right in front of him and missed a crucial grab only ten seconds into his run.

     Watch this devastating moment here:

Or Click Here

Jon Stewart:

     At 52 years old, Jon Stewart had become the second oldest man to reach the final round. Unfortunately, though he qualified, he had never conquered the warped wall.

     After two tries, it seemed like he was about to repeat the past. But he shattered the age barrier and reached the top on his final try.

     The rest of his run is absolutely incredible. Watch it right here:

Or Click Here

USA vs the World

    As great as the season was, many of the greatest moments happened during the second annual international competition.

     The night started off strong with Joe Moravsky clocking in the fastest stage one run of all time, beating Brent Steffenson's run of 1:14 by 2 seconds. The victory was short lived when ANW veteran now playing for Europe, Tim Sheiff completed the same course ten seconds faster just minutes later.

     Stage two was proving difficult for those who attempted, but three runs stood out. One was Brian Arnold, who, after a record breaking season five, slipped up on stage two on season six, taking away his chance at stage three which he had trained so hard for. This time however, he managed to take out his nemesis the unstable bridge, complete enough of the course to earn points for his team, and still finish the course.

     Another was Travis Rosen, who was able to prove age was just a number when the 40 year old defeated the metal swing which took him out in season six and the first international competition. Travis then completed the course with a time that would have qualified during a regular season competition.

     Last was Sean McColl. As a member of the European team, McColl had never competed on any ninja warrior obstacle and had to learn on stage two. McColl had an impressive run, heroically diving from the metal swing and finishing with an impressive time.

     Stage 3 was full of surprises. First was when Japanese competitor Yusuke Morimoto becomes the first competitor to ever complete stage three on American soil. Unfortunately for Japan, European Stefen Ghisolfi soon became the second, and with a faster time, knocking them out of the running to take first place. Unbelievably, a second Japanese competitor, Ryo Matachi, added his name to the list of stage three finishers.

     Team Europe was now in a great position, for Team USA to be victorious, they needed to do what they never had done before and complete stage three in under about five minutes, but if the round was taken by either of the other two teams, then Europe would take the gold. It was down to USA record holder Brian Arnold, and one of the top rock climbers in the world, Sean McColl.

       Just before Sean began, Arnold looked at the camera and rather nervously said "He's a world cup climber, he's one of the guy's that I watch for inspiration." But as promising as his run was, McColl slipped up on the last obstacle and fell almost exactly where Arnold had fallen a year before.
     Now, with his country relying on him, Arnold had to beat his current record and do something that had never been done by an American. The last few great moments can be seen below:

Or Click Here

Or Click Here


What were your favorite moments of this season? Let me know in a comment, on facebook at Facebook.com/freewayparade or on twitter @FreewayParade 

     

Problems With Writing Your Long Name

     My name is Seth Christopherson. No I do not have the longest name in the world, nor do I feel like I can even complain about it. I do, however, know the struggles that come with trying to write a long name in a given space that is less than spacious. Hopefully some of you will relate.
   

     The Cliff Diver

The underline can be helpful in keeping your name well aligned. But when it ends too soon... chaos...

     The Extension

Sometimes you need to manually add an extra inch of underline which really seems to help, but it can't save you every time.

     The Crash

Other times you need to write your name too close to the wall to add an extender. And when that happens, I know I already said chaos once before, but... chaos again...

     The "I Have No Last Name"

So you decide that you will just deny your name all together. Seems like a good plan. Until your teacher hands back your paper with a red pen correction saying, "Full names please, this isn't high school anymore." This happened to me once. Worst day of my life... not really, I just didn't want to have to say chaos again.

     The Microscopic

Now with no other option you decide that since the line can't be bigger, you must write smaller. Now you're unhappy, whoever reads it is unhappy, it's the perfect plan.

     The Lack of Patience

With all this chaos around you, you decide to unwind by drawing your name in an interesting font. Unfortunately this is only relaxing for a short while, and you with your incredibly long name get bored halfway through and the quality suffers.

     The "Cross Your What?"

So there you are signing some documents in cursive, the whole time remembering to cross your T's and dot your I's at the end. But your name is so long that you become anxious, and after your pen is lifted from the last letter you decide to shave off some time by quickly crossing and dotting, and in doing so you hit the wrong points on both. (For me I always find a way to cross my H)

     The "Good Enough"

You give it one more shot. This time the goal is to write as fast as possible. The first name is a cinch, but as you get half-way through the last name, you stumble, one letter becomes illegible and the only way out is to give up there, make the rest just a line, and act like it was on purpose. And after all that you're left with something that actually looks pretty non-chaotic.

     If you have any long name stories, if you or a friend have an incredibly long name, or if you just want to say hi, connect with me at Facebook.com/freewayparade or on Twitter @Freewayparade.